Vacation

I know there's still a month before fall break, but I am already so anxious for my fall vacation. We've planned everything out already. It's a welcome flurrying diversion for the moment.

We are going to visit:
Fallingwater designed by Frank Lloyd Wright,
Kentuck Knob, and
Baltimore.

Friendship

I almost feel like a bad person. Almost. Yes because I know that these friendships have somehow flourished for a decade, despite the haze. No because I know what is necessary for my well-being. I don't want to make anyone choose, but that's it, isn't it? Choice. Life is made of choice, and we need to make the best ones based on the information available to us, and our expectations for the present and future. I could have just let things go, but I can't because I'm going to be miserable every time this comes up. So now, we can either choose together, or one of us can make a choice, but that's not why we are together.

I wish I could just stop thinking sometimes because this gets EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING.

One

Somehow, it came up in a conversation that I would only love one person in my life. Just one. Whether it ends in a break-up or death. I don't want to love any more than that. It requires so much of oneself, and I already have enough difficult with opening up now. Love, the ultimate gift, offered to more than one person? I see love as too fragile for that, at least for me. Once it is broken, it's gone. If it survives, then why reconstruct it?

Maybe that's why I have so much difficulty. He doesn't feel quite the same way about love as I do, and that's why I have a hard time accepting some things.

And then there are the times when I would rather be alone than with anyone at all. I don't think he possesses this need so much as I do. He's always the more resilient one.

Beltway

I am going to remember August 18, 2007 as "The day where I drove the entire Beltway." It was by accident, believe me. I was going to Ikea, of course, like everyone else on the Beltway. Except I took the wrong branch home.

I found myself in Notown parked at a 7-Eleven trying to figure out what to do next. I spied a sketchy older man staring at me. "Are you lost?" He asked. "No, no, I'm ok!" To him, I was definitely not lost.

However, I will say one good thing about the Beltway. You really can't get lost because it's a circle. So I made it back home about an hour later than planned, and I got to see the whole Beltway.

A cool Friday

My dear Gabriel,

Today was a calm day because I made it so. After constantly running between errands, school, relatives, and love, and after my extremely late night on Wednesday, I decided to sleep in today, and recover before I execute the final move-in this weekend.

He is not angry with me, which is a good thing. I only scolded him because I am worried for him, and for us. There are some risks worth taking, but I don't think this counts. He may believe otherwise, and he is free to, but decisions such as that could harm this couple. I have not been able to see him for days now, because Skype is down, and the alternative, WengoPhone, does not support video calls without a fight. I know the internet is not a true alternative to being with him. We waste so much time on the internet, while we could be doing something, but maybe it's not so much a waste of time. I love hearing his voice when I can't the warmth of his touch, or seeing a moving image of him, instead of the frozen ones here in my photo album. I miss him more every day. I wish I could show him my apartment, look for furniture with him, go grocery shopping. Little things.

He tells me he has the resources to visit every two months. Now, really, I am sure he could invest that money and prepare something for us when we will be together instead of coming to visit me. It is a long term v. short term vision. At the same time, I know I would love to be able to see him every two months.

It's not as though I don't have things to do, but when I am alone, I have the time to let my sentiments flood my thoughts, and the sense of separation can be overwhelming. I know, I know each person in a couple is supposed to be an independent unit, with her own life, her own friends, her own goals...but that doesn't change the fact that I have decided to share my life with someone else, and right now, there is no way for us to be together.

I spent an evening with JJ before she moves to New York. It was so good to see her, she was beautiful in her floating white and red linen dress. She grows more beautiful every day. I am going to miss her terribly, even though I know she is pursuing a noble objective!

In any case, there is much to be done--boxes to unload and another unscheduled visit to Ikea! Why do they not include their midbeams with their bed packages????

Falling in love

Ça fait une semaine maintenant, depuis la dernière fois que je l'ai vu assis sur la table devant le contrôle de sécurité à Charles de Gaulle. Une semaine depuis notre dernier baiser, notre dernier regard. Et pourtant, entre nous aujourd'hui, je l'ai senti, j'ai eu l'impression que nous sommes retombés amoureux l'un de l'autre. A nouveau. Pour moi, c'était un nouvel amour, et non pas le même amour qu'avant. Un sentiment qui reste figé va mourir. Il faut toujours avancer afin de survivre.

Quel bonheur.

New House

I am so glad to be in a new apartment. This is the first time I have an entire kitchen to myself. No more electric plates, no minuscule freezer, large amounts of counter space, oven--all at my disposition. I am excited at the prospect of finally being able to invite friends over for a quiet meal around a friendly table.

There is quite a bit of light in the family room, with three large windows. The view is less than spectacular, but it's the sunlight that matters.


The colors for the kitchen and family room will be blue, green, and white. With so much light entering the area, I want to keep the atmosphere as light as possible, and cool.

It's the start of something new, again. New kitchen utensils, new towels, new address....A new beginning. I am so glad to leave that place, where I was far from all I loved, everything that interested me, and was wading through that sea of gossip, jealousy, and who knows what other bad feeling. I feel fresh now. My apartment is all white, a new era.

La rentrée

I guess this is it for now. Mother has left for the west coast, and all that's left are my sister and me against the rest. She gave me creative control of the living room, I can decorate to my heart's content.

I don't want to be angry about anything, that's all I need to work on right now. Sometimes it is worth it, sometimes it isn't. Frustration and anger now, any time, is only destructive. I have only to look around me to see the ugly, bitter, irreparable effects. I refuse to follow that path, I refuse to permit them to drag me down it.

As for him, I am in awe of his ability to continue, he doesn't dwell. Back to the bachelor's life. So easy.

Red dress

It is extremely hot on the East Coast. I had nearly forgotten how much I loathe this humidity. Nearly. Luckily, my red dress is light, and will not weigh me down as I traipse through Georgetown today!

As for the transatlantic communication, it is a blessing and a curse as usual. I love being able to communicate, and am so thankful for the marvels of modern technology. But then again, it's not a way to share lives. He is living his own, and I am living my own. We are just telling stories again, instead of creating them now.

I even tried to find a photo album for our engagement photos, but the sizes are different in the US and France. It's a small thing, but it just seems like just another stone in the path.

I just need to find my morale again.

Transatlantic again

Yesterday we decided to drive to the airport early. Maybe that was the first bad idea. Or maybe it was just because it was raining. In any case, we ended up having to pay a 33 euro fee for parking we weren't aware of, and then needed to fetch our car because the area was being evacuated for an abandoned suitcase. In fact, we had arrived too early, so were unable to fetch my ticket. Then, when I finally passed the passport check at CDG, I needed to stand in line again, while they held up the line for some inexplicable reason. Finally, when I reached the counter, there was another evacuation for abandoned luggage. I am lucky my checked baggages arrived in Washington, and that I didn't have to pay a supplementary charge for my extra suitcase!

From then on, things went smoothly. I slept on the way to London (God knows I needed it, I don't even know why, though.) Even connecting at London Heathrow wasn't so bad. I just followed the signs, and I arrived just in time for my connecting flight home.

I think I am too busy at the moment to miss him too much constantly, but it comes in pangs. I get the same feeling when I fall in love with him all over again. Saying goodbye this time was as difficult as always. In fact, each time we would say goodbye this past summer, I felt it was a rehearsal for the long goodbye that was to accompany the end of summer. He would argue, doesn't that make the greeting all the more wonderful? Maybe so. Each meeting was then more emotionally charged than if it were a normal daily hello/see you at the end of the day routine. The whole cycle was rigorous. I know exactly when I will see him again, and I know that the "Hello" will be nothing less than wonderful, but saying goodbye still throws all of those perfect lines into chaos. Every time.

Magic

I appreciate my office mate. She, like me, is searching for the mystical, magic, wonderful part of life that is lacking in too many people. I think we met for a reason, although I am not sure what it is yet.

And as for him, I think we met for a reason as well. Why else would I be rejected from law school the first round? Why else would I follow DG's advice and apply for Rouen? Why else would I be placed in that small town in Normandy? Why else would I meet his father on my birthday? Why else would I arrive in Normandy early for my LSAT? Why why why? because it was written somewhere that this is our story. Of course. Not without some effort on our part, but I think there is a good reason for all of this.

13

It took a long time to get to the 13ème because I had to get my aunt. Far too long.