Inquiétude

Je suis inquiète en ce moment, inquiète et heureuse en même temps. J'ai été choisie d'être éditeur à une revue. C'est un grand projet. J'envisage des petites révolutions déjà, les choses que je pourrai accomplir l'année prochaine.

J'ai un bon stage actuellement. Je peux voir des choses que le public n'imagine même pas. Je l'ai choisi car je voulais apprendre ce domaine. Je voulais apprendre car je serais dans une situation un peu semblable.

Je suis en contact avec un représentant qui va s'occuper de notre procédure...

Les inquiétudes accompagnent les moments heureux. Tout le monde me dit que j'ai l'air très heureux en ce moment. Ils ont raison. Je suis heureuse car enfin j'ai l'occasion de créer quelque chose, de devenir un élément d'une équipe. J'ai travaillé si peu en équipe avant cette chance.

Alors, je m'inquiète pour plusieurs raisons. Je m'inquiète car je n'ai pas reçu un seul mot du représentant à propos de notre dossier. Je compte les jours. Je sais que chaque jour nous amènerait à la vie commune dont nous rêvons. Pourtant, les jours passent et je n'ai pas de message pour me dire que la pétition est prête.... Je me demande si je suis trop ambitieuse de penser que nous serons ensemble cette année.

Pour enflammer la situation, mon stage si formidable.... Je reçois des tas de lettres chaque jour. Je lis des dossiers chaque jour. Toutes ces histoires parlent de ce sujet, mais elles ne terminent jamais bien. Les gens sont capables des telles horreurs, même dans notre arrière jardin. Ce sont nos voisins. Ils partagent le même code postal que moi. Parfois. Parfois, ce sont des prisonniers qui m'écrivent. Toujours, ce sont des gens désespérés. Souvent, je suis incapable de les aider. En lisant les dossiers, je suis horrifiée par la malice qui dirigent certains. On tue, on menace--surtout, on ment. Un travail comme celui-ci peut faire endurcir quelqu'un très rapidement. Je suis trop sensible pour ce genre de travail. Je suis trop prête à sympathiser avec la personne, sauf si je vois qu'elle ment--dans ce cas là, je suis complètement dégoutée. Ce sont des gens comme ceux-là qui rend plus difficile l'arrivée de mon cœur. Les menteurs.

Pourtant ce qui est pire, les citoyens de ce pays deviennent de plus en plus xénophobes. Ils créent des groupes anti-immigration, ils poussent leurs représentants à passer des lois dirigés par la haine, la peur et la folie au lieu de la raison, l'économie, et l'ouverture. On construit un mûr dans le désert--il viole des douzaines de lois environnementales et pratiques. Pourtant, puisqu'on croit que ce mûr va poser un véritable obstacle au sud, on le veut. On propose une loi qui va exiger le licenciement de tous les gens dont le nom ne correspond exactement avec les bases de données de Social Security. Peux-tu imaginer une telle loi? Tous les étrangers, légitimes ou pas, vont être licenciés car quelque stagiaire a mal tapé son nom dans Social Security.

Ce pays encourage une culture de haine. J'hésite de faire venir mon amour car il se retrouverait face à des mauvais gens, des mauvaises situations. J'espère que non. On cible surtout les immigrants illégaux, surtout du sud. Il n'y appartient pas, mais lorsqu'on est ignorant, on ne va pas s'éduquer, évidemment.

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L'autre souci, peut-être moins important, est à propos d'être éditeur. Je sais que cela va prendre beaucoup de temps l'année prochaine. Je n'aurai pas beaucoup de temps pour lui lorsqu'il viendra. J'ai peur de ne pas l'aimer assez bien après son sacrifice de venir.... J'espère qu'il comprendra. Je prends ce poste comme un signe, quelque chose qui m'indique ce que je dois faire dans la vie. Pour cela, il est important. Un ange m'a dit de le poursuivre et maintenant, ce chemin est le mien.

Famous! :D

The Volokh Conspiracy. My Evidence teacher put my in this charming little (conservative) blog.

:D

Arc en ciel

J'en ai vu un cet après-midi, en rentrant. Il était à moi cette fois, et à personne d'autre.

golden handcuffs

Ils m'ont prise! J'utilise l'argument que je vais gagner beaucoup d'argent pour soutenir ma famille, notre maison, l'assurance de vie, les voitures, les enfants...mais....des milliards de gens possèdent ces choses sans poursuivre ce métier. Mais je ne les veux pas!!! Enlèvez-les, laissez-moi l'âme et l'esprit et cet amour pur, je vous en supplie...

J'ai dit des choses par désespoir, par espoir, par frustration et amour et devoir...mais pas de la bonne façon. Je ne pouvais pas me croire capable de dire des telles choses à lui. Je ne lui demande pas d'avoir cette ambition-là, je pourrai l'atteindre toute seule. Mais tant de choses sont devant nous, et j'ai l'impression de courir sans avancer. Je dois me dire que tout finira bien, car je vais y arriver un jour.... Ces océans de mots ont un sens, je me l'assure. Ces papiers infinis mènent quelque part.

2 oiseaux, au-dessus de la terre...

Thanksgiving

I haven't had such a good Thanksgiving in a while. See, we can make dinner for 10. It was perfect, both times! A good meal in good company. I am so glad to be able to enjoy that.

Wow and woW

Three very important events occurred today.

1: I ordered my vielle à roue. However, I initially ordered it in G, but then I went back and checked and discovered I needed to have it tuned in D! So--I just sent KERBOEUF an e-mail correcting myself. He's probably thinking, "Stupid person is buying my handcrafted instrument." Hehehe...well.... It will be tuned in D now, I hope, because the type of music I want to play is tuned in D. Yess....I will be in business in 6 months. Then, I will need to learn how to tune it, and take care of it, and wash it and feed it and hug it and kiss it....my vielle.... How I have waited for you so long.... I AM SO EXCITED!!

2: I got the Immigration internship. Yes. I knew I was coherent to myself in the interview, but I wasn't sure I was coherent to the 3 people in front of me. I guess I was.

3: Skype is on strike. GOOD. I was beginning to feel suffocated by it. He was becoming unresponsive, which would just make me angry, and then the situation would spiral downward from there. I like that. Quality conversation, not quantity. I feel like I've been glued to my Skype for the past month now. It just happened, I didn't even want it to. It's a good thing. We need some time apart so we can live life and prepare for exams and other things. It's getting busy now. I have a monster paper to write (hopefully by noon tomorrow), and 4 exams to prepare. I have my music to work on, and books to read. He's got games to play, people to see... Really he amazes me. He's really changed so much since the beginning of our relation. He's been wonderful throughout. George Sand says that love is believing in the superiority of the being one loves, and that without it, all that is left is friendship. Well--he's pretty special, even if he does play computer games. He dances with me when I ask him. He also feeds me. So no Skype. I am ready to beat this software into the ground. I don't know how it happened, but at 6,000 miles apart we managed to get TOO CLOSE. No longer. We can live normal lives now.

Epuisée

I feel tired, all the way down to my slipped discs. Today I can hardly lift my arms or putter on over to school. It probably has something to do with my dream, but I don't want to talk about it any more.

But yes--tired, and it's Wednesday, the longest day of the week made longer by an evening meeting.

---20h04
You guessed it--I skipped my evening meeting. Oh well. I probably couldn't concentrate anyway. I think I've started seeing things--people more precisely--one person, even more precisely.

I have a boatload of stuff to do tonight. I just need to turn the emotions off.

Phew

I feel better now. I think I was just worried over nothing. Well, not nothing, but something that I cannot get much assurance of while I am far.

It was a lazy sort of day. I didn't feel like doing much except writing, like with a pen and paper. The feel of the ink flowing from the pen to the paper is extremely sensual. Not all paper is the same, not all pens are the same.

That, and I tried to play my dinky keyboard again. Yeah, it really does suck, but I can't expect much for the $5 I paid for it.

My roses seem to grow more red every day. They're luscious!

T-6 and counting.

Happy Birthday SMS!

It was an SMS birthday. I love my girls. They make me the happiest on earth. We talked about nicknames, and how having a nickname is a sign of acceptance into our family. That's a good thing that Yannica has a nickname by now. Without it, it would make people feel a little uncomfortable. Still need to find one for the little bro. However, by far, my favorites are Uncle Rico's name, and Huli Potter. I can't wait to see them at Christmas.

The cake was a small--well not so small--Grand Marnier laced affair, with three luscious ladies lounging on their Greek-style bed. It was our temple to ourselves, as it should be. Happiness is best in its simplest forms.

Now it's late, and there's only one thing to do--bed time!

Say NO to Salon ANU in Ballston, VA!!

Do not go here!!!!!!!!! It is the most unprofessional salon I have ever been to!! I got my hair sheared off, and they charged a fucking $65 for it!? "Thank you, may I have another?" Hell no!!

And the woman cutting my hair, who lacked all esthetic sense and understanding of symmetry, had the nerve to say, "If you like my hair cut, you can come back again." AND "Well, it's my first time cutting your hair. I'm still learning. Next time we'll do it better." Like HELL!!! She says she's been cutting hair for 9 years!!! Doing what??? Shearing sheep? For $65 a pop?

No no no. I should have known something was wrong when that "receptionist" didn't acknowledge me as I walked in the door, and kept chatting with her friend in her tan velour jumpsuit!

Oh the agony. I should have a ceremony for my beautiful hair massacred on this day.

Vacation

I know there's still a month before fall break, but I am already so anxious for my fall vacation. We've planned everything out already. It's a welcome flurrying diversion for the moment.

We are going to visit:
Fallingwater designed by Frank Lloyd Wright,
Kentuck Knob, and
Baltimore.

Beltway

I am going to remember August 18, 2007 as "The day where I drove the entire Beltway." It was by accident, believe me. I was going to Ikea, of course, like everyone else on the Beltway. Except I took the wrong branch home.

I found myself in Notown parked at a 7-Eleven trying to figure out what to do next. I spied a sketchy older man staring at me. "Are you lost?" He asked. "No, no, I'm ok!" To him, I was definitely not lost.

However, I will say one good thing about the Beltway. You really can't get lost because it's a circle. So I made it back home about an hour later than planned, and I got to see the whole Beltway.

A cool Friday

My dear Gabriel,

Today was a calm day because I made it so. After constantly running between errands, school, relatives, and love, and after my extremely late night on Wednesday, I decided to sleep in today, and recover before I execute the final move-in this weekend.

He is not angry with me, which is a good thing. I only scolded him because I am worried for him, and for us. There are some risks worth taking, but I don't think this counts. He may believe otherwise, and he is free to, but decisions such as that could harm this couple. I have not been able to see him for days now, because Skype is down, and the alternative, WengoPhone, does not support video calls without a fight. I know the internet is not a true alternative to being with him. We waste so much time on the internet, while we could be doing something, but maybe it's not so much a waste of time. I love hearing his voice when I can't the warmth of his touch, or seeing a moving image of him, instead of the frozen ones here in my photo album. I miss him more every day. I wish I could show him my apartment, look for furniture with him, go grocery shopping. Little things.

He tells me he has the resources to visit every two months. Now, really, I am sure he could invest that money and prepare something for us when we will be together instead of coming to visit me. It is a long term v. short term vision. At the same time, I know I would love to be able to see him every two months.

It's not as though I don't have things to do, but when I am alone, I have the time to let my sentiments flood my thoughts, and the sense of separation can be overwhelming. I know, I know each person in a couple is supposed to be an independent unit, with her own life, her own friends, her own goals...but that doesn't change the fact that I have decided to share my life with someone else, and right now, there is no way for us to be together.

I spent an evening with JJ before she moves to New York. It was so good to see her, she was beautiful in her floating white and red linen dress. She grows more beautiful every day. I am going to miss her terribly, even though I know she is pursuing a noble objective!

In any case, there is much to be done--boxes to unload and another unscheduled visit to Ikea! Why do they not include their midbeams with their bed packages????

New House

I am so glad to be in a new apartment. This is the first time I have an entire kitchen to myself. No more electric plates, no minuscule freezer, large amounts of counter space, oven--all at my disposition. I am excited at the prospect of finally being able to invite friends over for a quiet meal around a friendly table.

There is quite a bit of light in the family room, with three large windows. The view is less than spectacular, but it's the sunlight that matters.


The colors for the kitchen and family room will be blue, green, and white. With so much light entering the area, I want to keep the atmosphere as light as possible, and cool.

It's the start of something new, again. New kitchen utensils, new towels, new address....A new beginning. I am so glad to leave that place, where I was far from all I loved, everything that interested me, and was wading through that sea of gossip, jealousy, and who knows what other bad feeling. I feel fresh now. My apartment is all white, a new era.

La rentrée

I guess this is it for now. Mother has left for the west coast, and all that's left are my sister and me against the rest. She gave me creative control of the living room, I can decorate to my heart's content.

I don't want to be angry about anything, that's all I need to work on right now. Sometimes it is worth it, sometimes it isn't. Frustration and anger now, any time, is only destructive. I have only to look around me to see the ugly, bitter, irreparable effects. I refuse to follow that path, I refuse to permit them to drag me down it.

As for him, I am in awe of his ability to continue, he doesn't dwell. Back to the bachelor's life. So easy.