Embers and Envelopes

I called him. It was nearly 1am there, but I had to say it because I was feeling like I was going to hurt something. I felt like I could have hurt myself. I wanted to break everything in my room, because I didn't know.
So I called his house at like 1am their time. I felt so guilty doing it. I didn't want to call, I didn't want to.

So now I fear he is angry with me. I don't want to ask such a thing. That's just not something you ask of people. I felt guilty asking then, and I feel guilty now. I don't know how else to do it, though. I could find no way to reconcile this in my head. It's been here for over a year. I've felt this growing since maybe the beginning of 2006. That would make it almost 2 years now. I've been trying to find a response alone. I thought it was something I could figure out by myself, but I was so wrong. I can't. I have already talked to him about this. He is waiting to come to the US before he has to do it. He has already given us so much.

I know he is the sum of everything that has ever happened to him, all the people he has ever met. So am I. We are both compromising so much to be with each other. We both wanted to. I don't know if we still want to. I know that I want to love him. Maybe I don't really want him to leave his friends. I don't like to hurt people for fun. I am not like that. I want to be happy, just as much as he does. I love being with him. I love him so much. That's why I knew in my heart I couldn't ask that of him, and get away with it.

I know that if he does what I ask, I will only have a shell of Yann, not a complete one.

So why did I have to ask him? I don't know, I felt at the end of my strength. Maybe I have just made a huge mistake. This is so difficult. I know he can't do what I ask and be happy. What will become of us? I love him so much. At this point, I want him to be happy. I needed to say that because I needed to realize who he is. Yann is special. Really. I will never meet a more wonderful man. He is kind, and gentle, and he has a beautiful rich voice and a lovely sonorous laugh, and when he loves you, it's with all of his heart. I could not have asked for better.

He doesn't have to listen to me this time. I just want him to be happy. So, Yann, laugh with your friends, share music, films, ideas, and books with them. This is your life. I want you to lead a complete life.

If you need a véro sometimes, I will be there for you.

PS : I got three more postcards from him. One of them had clovers on it, and talked about how lucky we were to find each other, we were made for each other. I still believe this is true. After all, why else would my whole life have happened the way it did? And his? I feel we can survive it because our love is strong. It is so strong.

PPS : And our roses are a brilliant crimson. They are so beautiful. We do love each other so much, and for that we are doubly blessed.

Gabriel, please tell him I love him.