Raison, cachée derrière un voile de fumée

Was she right to go like that? An ultimatum, failure to respond, then--out the door?

Oh no. It just brings back a whole new flood of conflict in me because I feel I have been in that situation during this whole time. 2 years. I see he has changed so much, but I don't know if it is enough because I am engaged to his microcosm, not just him. I still don't want to go out with his posse. I don't even want to see some of them at this point. Is this how it should be? Do I deserve more? Don't I deserve to spend time as I want? Maybe she was right....maybe I lack courage to act. I have my convictions, and yet, I feel I have compromised so many of them. For love, supposedly.

He has stopped smoking, and he has become more proactive. And yet, I just shudder at the thought of his nights/weekends/whatever of who knows what. Even if he doesn't participate, half the people around him are. He is still complicit. He still shares that moment of....false pleasure. Or is it real to him/them? Whatever it is, I don't want anything to do with that. I've already refused to do certain things. I've voiced my displeasure so many times now.

Where does that put me? I can't say I disapprove, and yet remain at his side. That's lame. I need to do one or the other, and I definitely don't approve of it. What does that mean? Follow her? Am I skirting the issue? Dear God....

Damn. And then, what's worse is that we're so far apart that we can't talk things over so easily.