T-1

Nap time. Bought cheese (a necessity, of course). Someone, please hire me because I want to know I can pay off my student loans.

One day more-- another day, another destiny.

T-2

So sleepy.

Venez nombreux....Un tel merveil le monde n'a jamais connu!

Mon cher Gabriel,

Je t'écris pour annoncer un nouveau projet, un projet qui sera adoré par tout ce qui le rencontre. C'est le projet où Véro va commencer vraiment à aimer--non pas seulement les autres. Elle va apprendre à s'aimer aussi, car pour quelque raison, elle a commencé à douter de ses qualités. Il n'y a même pas d'explication précise. Les études, être éloignée des gens qu'elle aimait, se retrouver au milieu des gens qu'elle n'aimait pas particulièrement, ne plus avoir le temps pour ses loisirs... Quelque soit la raison, cette année va se passer mieux. Elle habite dans une nouvelle ville, avec quelqu'un qu'elle aime, près de son école, avec plus de temps (et pas de piano, mais c'est peut-être une autre histoire...), à deux pas de la bibliothèque.

Elle va se rebâtir, car en se sentant forte et sûre d'elle, elle pourra aimer les autres de la bonne façon. Pas en les diminuant, mais en les encourageant. Exactement comme elle avait rêvé auparavent, comme elle connaissait le véritable amour. Amour pour soi et amour pour autrui.

Le chemin sera long, car il y aurait des égarements, des obstacles, et un long voyage, mais elle est résolue à se retrouver car elle ne souhaite que le bonheur.

P.S. C'est son anniversaire lunaire aujourd'hui! La même date que le festival d'automne au Vietnam...c'est un signe de chance. Un enfant de la lune...

Time to clean up

All right, I really want to succeed now. I don't want to be intimidated by anyone anymore. I'm the one in charge, no one else. I'm not crazy, or even if I am, soit. I'm the one who's here now, no one else. I've spent so long thinking I'm inferior to x, y, or z, and it's not even true. I don't know why I've even started caring about that; I've never cared until a year ago.

I'm not going to let anyone else be the measure of my value anymore, the measure of anything. I make my own path. I am someone no one else will never be.

Me. I'm taking me back. This is my day, every day.

What are my qualities? I do have a lot to be proud of:

1. I can sing pretty well, can memorize lyrics quickly, and compose music on the piano.
2. I can play the piano, probably better if I had one to play.
3. I have a pretty good imagination, which is a blessing and a curse.
4. I write well, in French and English. I think my French grammar is better than that of most French people. I've worked at it.
5. My stepdancing. It's what makes me want to wake up in the morning, and learn new music.
6. I appreciate good food.
7. I am honest, and faithful, and true to my word (which probably is why I only give it on certain occasions).
8. Discipline discipline discipline.
9. I can knit.
10. Old French literature that no one reads anymore--I read it (in between homework...*sigh* not too much time for that now).
11. I am a thorough planner. Detail oriented.
12. I can go to an art museum and feel among old friends among the great masters, same with the opera.
13. I can make rice.
14. I learned about the Civil Law tradition on my own, on the job!
15. I can walk for miles on end.
16. I can make curry.
17. I am left-handed.
18. Photography.
19. I am willing to learn new things, and discover new places.
20. I write with a fountain pen.
21. Everything I try, I make sure to do it well.
22. And then someone says I have anime eyes, which has to be a good thing.

I am a person of value.

This time is the last time, so be here now

We had a nice conversation. He looked so sleepy. I felt so sleepy. I'd only slept like 5 hours last night, maybe him too. Maybe less. In any case, I told him again what was going through my mind. The JC-L episode had really gotten to me because 1) the people were close to Y, 2)the reasons for their separation had been subject of some discussion between us, and 3) I hate seeing couples separate. I've been talking to JC, just because I want to make sure he can figure out what happened, and so he can learn from it. That's important, and I just want him to feel better.

We talked, but both of us were really tired. He laughed when I said I'd been talking to JC. Yann told me this story about when he separated from his ex, JC had been jealous that Yann had been with her. At first I was thinking, "What does this have to do with anything?" Then I think I got it, just now. That JC may have a thing for Yann's girlfriends. It's possible, after all, I guess she was kind of hot, and I'm kind of hot, and foreign. Guys like exotic girls, Asian ones, with big eyes and cherry lips. In any case, there's noooo cause for concern there. As much as I might like talking to him, I don't think that would ever happen. In any case, it might boost Yann's confidence if he is the one to possess the sought-after prize.

I was so glad to see him smile and hear him laugh. He has a sort of moon face when he does. It's adorable.

4 days....I can't believe time is going by so slowly. I'm trying to think of all of the ways I could greet him--just run at him and knock him over with kisses, hide and then jump on him, don't do anything and see who cracks first, just one kiss, take the otter along, hide and not let him see me at all (that one just sucks).....oh the possibilities.

Happiness

This is happiness. pure, free, light.

Oh

So this must be what it feels like to lose all you love. I'm an idiot. I was wrong, and now I fear he cannot forgive me. It takes a moment like this sometimes to realize how much you love someone. I love him so much more than I let him know, even when I already tell him 50 times a day.

He's changed his website. His southpark images are all gone. His spectacle section is gone. His LAN section is gone. I didn't want this. I didn't realize the consequences of what I was saying. I would rather see his caricatured friends smiling at me deviantly than nothing. This is not what I wanted. I just wanted him.

I was a fool. I am a fool. I even had a hint of it when I was talking to him last night. I wish I could take back everything, but of course, I can't. I was so wrong! Why did I do that? Pourquoi viens-je de blesser la personne que j'aime la plus? Pourquoi je n'ai pas pu me taire et laisser aller? J'espère que nous pourrons devenir plus forts après ce test. J'ai confiance.

My roses are still going strong...some of them are starting to wilt a little.

Embers and Envelopes

I called him. It was nearly 1am there, but I had to say it because I was feeling like I was going to hurt something. I felt like I could have hurt myself. I wanted to break everything in my room, because I didn't know.
So I called his house at like 1am their time. I felt so guilty doing it. I didn't want to call, I didn't want to.

So now I fear he is angry with me. I don't want to ask such a thing. That's just not something you ask of people. I felt guilty asking then, and I feel guilty now. I don't know how else to do it, though. I could find no way to reconcile this in my head. It's been here for over a year. I've felt this growing since maybe the beginning of 2006. That would make it almost 2 years now. I've been trying to find a response alone. I thought it was something I could figure out by myself, but I was so wrong. I can't. I have already talked to him about this. He is waiting to come to the US before he has to do it. He has already given us so much.

I know he is the sum of everything that has ever happened to him, all the people he has ever met. So am I. We are both compromising so much to be with each other. We both wanted to. I don't know if we still want to. I know that I want to love him. Maybe I don't really want him to leave his friends. I don't like to hurt people for fun. I am not like that. I want to be happy, just as much as he does. I love being with him. I love him so much. That's why I knew in my heart I couldn't ask that of him, and get away with it.

I know that if he does what I ask, I will only have a shell of Yann, not a complete one.

So why did I have to ask him? I don't know, I felt at the end of my strength. Maybe I have just made a huge mistake. This is so difficult. I know he can't do what I ask and be happy. What will become of us? I love him so much. At this point, I want him to be happy. I needed to say that because I needed to realize who he is. Yann is special. Really. I will never meet a more wonderful man. He is kind, and gentle, and he has a beautiful rich voice and a lovely sonorous laugh, and when he loves you, it's with all of his heart. I could not have asked for better.

He doesn't have to listen to me this time. I just want him to be happy. So, Yann, laugh with your friends, share music, films, ideas, and books with them. This is your life. I want you to lead a complete life.

If you need a véro sometimes, I will be there for you.

PS : I got three more postcards from him. One of them had clovers on it, and talked about how lucky we were to find each other, we were made for each other. I still believe this is true. After all, why else would my whole life have happened the way it did? And his? I feel we can survive it because our love is strong. It is so strong.

PPS : And our roses are a brilliant crimson. They are so beautiful. We do love each other so much, and for that we are doubly blessed.

Gabriel, please tell him I love him.

T-5

Phew

I feel better now. I think I was just worried over nothing. Well, not nothing, but something that I cannot get much assurance of while I am far.

It was a lazy sort of day. I didn't feel like doing much except writing, like with a pen and paper. The feel of the ink flowing from the pen to the paper is extremely sensual. Not all paper is the same, not all pens are the same.

That, and I tried to play my dinky keyboard again. Yeah, it really does suck, but I can't expect much for the $5 I paid for it.

My roses seem to grow more red every day. They're luscious!

T-6 and counting.

Raison, cachée derrière un voile de fumée

Was she right to go like that? An ultimatum, failure to respond, then--out the door?

Oh no. It just brings back a whole new flood of conflict in me because I feel I have been in that situation during this whole time. 2 years. I see he has changed so much, but I don't know if it is enough because I am engaged to his microcosm, not just him. I still don't want to go out with his posse. I don't even want to see some of them at this point. Is this how it should be? Do I deserve more? Don't I deserve to spend time as I want? Maybe she was right....maybe I lack courage to act. I have my convictions, and yet, I feel I have compromised so many of them. For love, supposedly.

He has stopped smoking, and he has become more proactive. And yet, I just shudder at the thought of his nights/weekends/whatever of who knows what. Even if he doesn't participate, half the people around him are. He is still complicit. He still shares that moment of....false pleasure. Or is it real to him/them? Whatever it is, I don't want anything to do with that. I've already refused to do certain things. I've voiced my displeasure so many times now.

Where does that put me? I can't say I disapprove, and yet remain at his side. That's lame. I need to do one or the other, and I definitely don't approve of it. What does that mean? Follow her? Am I skirting the issue? Dear God....

Damn. And then, what's worse is that we're so far apart that we can't talk things over so easily.

Happy Birthday SMS!

It was an SMS birthday. I love my girls. They make me the happiest on earth. We talked about nicknames, and how having a nickname is a sign of acceptance into our family. That's a good thing that Yannica has a nickname by now. Without it, it would make people feel a little uncomfortable. Still need to find one for the little bro. However, by far, my favorites are Uncle Rico's name, and Huli Potter. I can't wait to see them at Christmas.

The cake was a small--well not so small--Grand Marnier laced affair, with three luscious ladies lounging on their Greek-style bed. It was our temple to ourselves, as it should be. Happiness is best in its simplest forms.

Now it's late, and there's only one thing to do--bed time!

Say NO to Salon ANU in Ballston, VA!!

Do not go here!!!!!!!!! It is the most unprofessional salon I have ever been to!! I got my hair sheared off, and they charged a fucking $65 for it!? "Thank you, may I have another?" Hell no!!

And the woman cutting my hair, who lacked all esthetic sense and understanding of symmetry, had the nerve to say, "If you like my hair cut, you can come back again." AND "Well, it's my first time cutting your hair. I'm still learning. Next time we'll do it better." Like HELL!!! She says she's been cutting hair for 9 years!!! Doing what??? Shearing sheep? For $65 a pop?

No no no. I should have known something was wrong when that "receptionist" didn't acknowledge me as I walked in the door, and kept chatting with her friend in her tan velour jumpsuit!

Oh the agony. I should have a ceremony for my beautiful hair massacred on this day.

Glory

Glory Hom, a Wellesley sister.

"I'm from the government, and I'm here to help."

Should they have tasered this kid?

Here's the video that's been passing around, a shorter version.

Maybe he was being confrontational, but nothing indicates that he would ever be violent, and he wasn't. Only when he was being physically aggressed. He wasn't even violent, he was naturally pulling away from an unwanted touching. People say he shouldn't have resisted, but when a gang in black are descending on you, would YOU want their hands on you? Would you feel like listening to them?

And a taser? Why did they find that necessary? Violence shall be met with violence, and this kid was not violent. The police are supposed to use reasonable force when confronted with a person. They should set the example. This isn't some street crime in a back alley. This is a school. Yay for the state monopoly on violence.

Time

All right, I admit it. I miss him. A lot. He's coming in 10 days, and yet, time seems to have stopped. The 29th doesn't seem to be getting any closer, but I know it is. One day at a time.

No cards today. He's been trying to send me one a day for the past week, but they've been coming in bunches of 2s and 3s instead. It adds color to my mailbox, and eventually to my room and its bare walls.

My birthday is coming up! I am going to treat myself with a much-needed haircut. That's all. And it's dance day.

Dinner: linguine with caramelized yellow peppers, topped with pecorino cheese, prosciutto, and fresh basil.

Dance!

I need to compete again. And I need to join a dance show. I think that would make my life complete.

Wheelharp

A hurdy gurdy on crack: The Wheelharp.

When a hurdy gurdy owner realizes what it would be like to have many strings playing instead of a handful.

Children

My dear Gabriel,

I wonder if I am a bad woman because I don't want children. I don't want them. I don't want to introduce them into a world of casual sex, materialism, or terrorist governments. I don't want them to have to face parasitic relationships, rampant drug use, taxes, pollution, or Britney Spears. I would feel too much pressure to shield them from all of the madness of modern times.

But they could be a force for change--perhaps. But most likely not. I don't want that. No children.

A Wind in the Door

Madeleine L'Engle passed away at 88. She was by far one of my favorite authors when I was growing up. I loved her intelligent, clear writing, her heroic themes, her sincere characters. I was just thinking that I want to buy all of her books for my collection. I wanted to be Meg, and I wanted to be Charles Wallace, and I wanted to communicate with dolphins and beings from other universes...she gave me so many dreams.

The Daisy

The Daisy is well. In pain, yes, but recovering. I love her.

Le chemin est long

J'espérais commencer à bâtir notre propre univers à deux, un nouveau terrain. Cela a avancé un peu plus difficilement que prévu. J'ai dû mal interpréter les questions et ses réponses. Grâce à cette belle conte de fée que l'on est en train d'écrire ensemble, j'ai l'impression d'être un ballon, un petit ballon rouge flottant dans un ciel bleu. Pourtant les obstacles sont nombreux, créés par les pressions intérieure ou atmosphérique.

Cet amour me rend de plus en plus fragile à propos de certaines choses. Il permet de vivre toute la gamme des émotions, le bien et le mal. En un mot il peut me faire atteindre le bonheur cosmique, ou bien me faire plonger dans la masse lourde de la déception. Ces larmes qui apparaissent ne sont pas que le produit de la tristesse. Elles proviennent de toutes les émotions--la joie, l'amour, la tristesse, la peur, l'anticipation--à la fois.

Je cherchais un amour spirituel, pas machinal. Humain dans la pratique, mais surhumain dans ses espoirs. Voilà. L'espoir. Les idéaux. Je sais que le monde est imparfait, je sais que des malheurs arrivent sans frapper avant d'entrer. Je sais, je ne suis pas aveugle, même sans qu'il me les montre. Je ne veux pas un cynique. Notre amour devrait être une source de merveil. N'est-il pas vrai qu'un moment entre amoureux peut transcendre la terre? J'ai cru voir cela dans ses yeux. Chaque regard, chaque touche m'ont ramenée à notre monde à deux, même lorsque nous étions dans les rues pleines de Paris.

Je pensais que la raison pour laquelle nous tentons ce nouveau chemin est pour découvrir un autre niveau dans l'amour. Ses réponses m'ont blessée car pour pouvoir entreprendre ce chemin, il faut un esprit ouvert à la méditation, à l'amour et à la spiritualité dans tous les aspects d'une relation. Ses réponses semblaient ambiguës, pas enthousiastes. Cependant lier esprit et corps, les deux éléments d'une personne, est ce que je cherche depuis toujours.

Je cherche une raison pour laquelle nous nous sommes rencontrés. Je cherche une raison pour vouloir continuer. Je ne suis pas satisfaite par les rituels quotidiens sans refléxion et sans vision. Après tout, nous ne nous sommes pas rencontrés pas par erreur. Non...? Il dirait que oui. Pourtant, je fais tant d'efforts de trouver un sens dans cette série d'événements. Il faut--cela fait partie de ma quête pour la raison pour le décès de mon père. Je ne l'aurais pas rencontré sans cet événement. Je n'aurais pas pu l'aimer sans cet événement. Je pensais qu'il regardait notre rencontre et notre amour comme quelque chose plus que la coïncidence. Pour croire à cela, il faut posséder un élément spirituel. Sans la spiritualité, la vie devient une série d'événements sans signification, sèche comme les bancs d'une ancienne rivière. Il n'a jamais été spirituel. Il n'a jamais cherché de telles raisons pour sa vie.

Je suis perdue à nouveau. Je veux aimer mais je me sens bête et naïve.

On the road again...

I am so happy that he wasn't hurt seriously. There's nothing like a car accident to remind you that flesh is weak and bones are fragile compared to two-ton masses of steel and motor. He was lucky. The cars involved weren't, unfortunately. However, my little red Seat is all right.

Phew, he scared me for a second there....